BIRDFINGER POST CARD
Available for Download
BIRDFINGER SAYS
A Whole Lot About Everything and Very Little About Anything
SEE BIRDFINGER - the fast talking hilarious bird is serving up his custom fashions with something a little extra. He bravely flies through these turbulent skies, bringing you the boldest styles, and delivers them straight to your nest.
It was the third noon before the month of June when Birdfinger fell out of his nest. I remember it well because the first words Birdfinger spoke were Nanny pee loosely is neither my maw nor my paw. After that statement, the godfather of the oddmother had a finger tossed on the ground at his feet. Like any good, lovable bird he hated seeing litter anywhere, especially at his feet. He picked up the finger, stuck it in his mouth and was ready to fly it back to its rightful owner, when a news crew started filming him. That’s how he was discovered and that’s how he became known worldwide as – Birdfinger.
The Rest of the Best of the Story
Awh, shut the hell up! I know it’s 10 AM not 10 PM, but who gives a rat’s ass? Nobody believes the news anyway anymore. A bird plucking its own feathers draws a bigger audience than a newscast of Drew Brees and Brett Favre competing for who’s ‘The Sorriest Award.’ Take a page from slick Willie and his ridickulous alibi, “I didn’t have sex with that woman – she had sex with me.” Or take a page from old Dick Dickxon, “I’m not a crook; I just play one in the White House, but I’m resigning before they put my ass in jail.” Man – no wait, ‘bird’ – I’m so glad I got that off my birdbrain. Now there’s room for the rest of the best of the story.
Through the bird wind (we don’t have phones) came the news. There was going to be a bird-turd dropping event on a walking trail in New York State. I, Birdfinger, for one wanted to be there for the big event because there’s one thing for certain… my schiff stinks. Usually I have to schiff in flight just to avoid that offensive, retching odor. Just thinking of that godawful smell makes goosebumps pop up all over my bird skin.
By-the-way, do you humans know there are no damn hotels for birds? You have dog hotels. You have cat hotels. Hell, even rats live in hotels. You would think PETA would help a bird out, but NO! Somebody should tell “PETA” that a Birdfinger is not a wild animal and that they should start a movement just for the Birdfingers of the world.
I, the famous Birdfinger, had to settle for a hollow tree on the walking trail for my nest. In that hollow tree, on that walking trail was a stash of Arkansas Hilda’s M.D. wine, also known as Mad Dog 20/20 wine. So, what does yours truly do? Uncapped that bottle and partook until every crazy little thing about the year 2020 faded from memory. So don’t you bitch at me for snoozing over a dozen hours. If you could feel the hangover going on in my birdbrain, you would stay the hell away from my tailfeathers. That’s right, it’s loose as a goose.
Now, where was I, oh – okay, I’m waking up from the worst hangover a bird can have. Sorry or not sorry, funny or not funny… it’s all about the money. Everyone knows that money will bring the weak to their knees, just ask a hooker or Monica. Don’t be hating, I’m just saying I will bet you a dollar to a doughnut that Brees and Farve will be on their knees before the cock crows again, announcing the end of 2020. Vegas is taking bets on who’s knees hit the ground first.
Back to that turd-bomb contest on the walking trail. Sad to say it’s been “canceled.” None of the walkers would wear a mask and all the birds chickened out. Just like none of you humans wanted bird flu, none of us birds want President Trump’s Kung Flu. Now with that being said, I hear the hair of that ole dog calling. There’s another bottle of Arkansas Hilda’s Mad Dog 20/20 wine that has my name wrote all over it, “See Birdfinger.”
HEARD A JOKE LATELY?
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
Better yet, do you want to be the person who keeps the laughter going? My Daddy Always Said offers you a collection of over-the-top JOKES that will have everyone LAUGHING OUT LOUD.
•My Daddy always said… My daddy always said it is what it is, it ain’t what it ain’t. Some people will still touch it to see if it’s wet paint.
My Daddy Always Said is the granddaddy of all joke books—an all-American, gut-busting collection of witticism, political puns and hilarious one-liners. This sidesplitting book has the perfect joke for any occasion and will keep you laughing for hours. You'll find hundreds of jokes that are guaranteed to stir up a room full of smiles with all the crazy things My Daddy Always Said.
It’s a great gift for anyone, including your Daddy.
You Just Might Be A Democrat is about the ‘about.’ If you don’t know what the about is about, then acquire some about by reading this book. It’s the same as saying this book is an acquired taste. If you don’t have any taste, acquire some taste. If you are not a fan of laughter, satire, parodies, jokes, rhymes, and limericks you won’t get it. You just won’t have that acquired taste about – about.
If you put your wig in the dishwasher and all you got back was a mustache, you just might be a Democrat.
My daddy always said if you are trying to outrun the police, that’s not called social distancing, it’s called breaking the law.
If the only thing you laugh at is wigs on pigs, grandpappy when he’s drunk as a skunk, and grandma when she’s wiping snot – turn the page and the dial, this book can’t be for you. But – butt if you like to laugh, you really want to laugh… not just a giggle, but a big ole’ belly laugh then this is definitely the book for you.